Tuesday, July 29, 2008

buble is the man.

everything - michael buble

youre a fallen star
youre the getaway car
youre the line in the sand when i go too far
youre the swimming pool on an august day
and youre the perfect thing to say
and you play your card
but its kinda cute
oh when you smile at me you know exactly what you do
baby dont pretend that you dont know its true
cause you can see it when i look at you

and in this crazy life
and through these crazy times its you its you
you made me sing
youre every line
youre every word
youre everything

youre a carousel
youre a wishing well
and you light me up when you ring my bell
youre a mystery
youre from outer space
youre every minute for every day
and i cant believe that im your man
and i get to kiss you baby just because i can
whatever comes our way oh we'll see it through
and you know thats what our love can do

on repeat non stop.
for no good reason other than its an amazing song.
and maybe im a glutton for my own wicked lonliness.
im no ones swimming pool =/.

[ cept maybe Ks =D thanks for listening to all my woes and boozing with me. yay for girls night. ]

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

drama queen.

mauricio sorta called me that today because i flipped out when i found out art of research is no longer required to graduate.
i then proceeded to tell some friends and i guess ruin their day as well -_-.
haha sorry!
well i am NOT being over dramatic.
and alex knows exactly what im talking about so ill leave it at that.
believe me i know when im hamming shit up and being overly dramatic.
i dont do it for attention.
i do it because if i dont it'll eat me up inside out.
and also sometimes i admit i cant deal with my emotions very well so in turn i tend to over react to avoid further analyzing.
it works really well in fact.
if im depressed and dont really know why its so much easier to get really angry at something that pisses me off than to deal with why im so fucking depressed.
its just easier to deal with black and white emotions right?
happy. angry. hungry.
much easier to cope with than 'sad'
i dont care if it IS a defense mechanism.
ill admit to it.
so call me drama queen or attention whore or whatever fucked up thing you want.
i dont need to justify myself to anyone.

[ and im not mad at mauricio haha ]

my final layout for sketching.
project was to take a common household item and turn it into some sorta building.
you can figure it out.

2 hr drapery study assignment i just finished an hour ago.
cept my 2 hrs was compacted conveniently into 30 minutes.
i left my artbin in my locker so i was frantically searching for a pencil at home.
i cant believe i have NO charcoal or conte pencils of any kind at home.
i found the 2 inch stub of an old polychromo in the bottom of my drawer and just had to deal with it.
and the white was a prisma verithin i never used.

i havent done a head in a LONG while so i thought i would go to workshop on saturday morning.
for some reason i thought there was a painting one in the morning.
yea there wasnt -_-.
but i did do a 40 minute of louise.
i definitely will be back this week.
i need SO much practice.

40 min from mondays class.

i thought id put up pix of my bday presents =D
just cuz im a big show off with no shame.

oswald shirt.
oh its so perfect.
so me.
if you've never seen an oswald cartoon you muuuust.
they are hilarious.

mickey throw.
perfect for the hot weather.
and i love it because its classic mickey =)

and my favorite one.
light up musical snowglobe.
it plays the ballroom song! =)

yea ok i KNOW im a nerd.
OBVIOUSLY i dont care!
how effin EASY am i to shop for?
if ever a doubt..as long as its got a mickey on it ill love it.
thanks daddy =)

ive been trying to deck out my turtle tank but the little shit has grown twice his size in the last two months and now i have to get a bigger tank -_-.

meet Tar Tar.
my only friend.
the only one that listens to my bullshit at the end of the day.

he waits for me to come home and then proceeds to follow me around the room in his tank and beg me for food.
he eats shrimp from my hand.
and he makes weird bubbly water drip noises.
sounds like 'doink'.
that shit freaked me out the first time i heard it.
my turtle talks =D

oh ok heres a pickle.
ever since our cafeteria went 'green'
shit costs more.
and it takes me like an hour to throw something away because i have to 'organize' my garbage into the correct trash reciprocals.
and the spoons melt in my soup.
and the knives wont cut.
they just bend awkwardly into my chicken.
and water costs 50 cents.
just an fyi.
its been done before.
the school went green a while back and then people complained about all of thee above and we went right back to wastin and pollutin.
i wonder how long this shit will run this time.

snooze time.
12 hr day. -_-

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

girl scars.

[ this ones gonna be long and text heavy and also have nothing whatsoever to do with art ]

im so good at wasting time it's ridiculous.
i would so take home the gold in the procrastination event this year in beijing.
i mean, everyone does it right?
but that shit might as well be on my resume.

"uh yea i double majored in procrastination and bullshitin"

its like 4 am and ive been stuck on my research project for like the last 3 hours.
i had a nice chat with alex (c.) today during lunch.
we conversed on the usual topics like classes and other students.

we also talked about his (insanely short) list of girl history.
and it only confirmed what ive always known to be true.
a bad experience early on will ruin a good man.
one bad relationship with a girl whos fucked in the head has the potential to permanently scar a man for the rest of his social life.
god damnit..
dont i know this all too well?
without being a cyber blabbermouth..basically he got out of a bad relationship with a mean, controlling, dramatic and sadly, TYPICAL, girl..
now he tells me hed rather stay single and that relationships are a hassle he doesnt need.
and this is coming from a guy whos voice has never raised above room level and doesn't have a single frown muscle in his face.
i cant imagine how someone that positive can have such a hidden negativity in their lives.
i guess i can.
all it takes is one whore bag to ruin a good man.
put into the equation someone who believes in love and commitment and throw in the slut variable and youve got grounds for serious lifetime tragedy.

im familiar with this scenario and all i can say is 'im' not 'her'
not all women are the same.
dont project that kind of insecure negativity blindly.
i get it.
you've got trust issues.
well FUCK who doesnt?
you cant meet a decent person today who hasnt been mind fucked in the past.
but what im so worried about is the X in the equation.
the NEW person.
the one who has no idea of this dark spot in your history.
the one who likes you for who you are NOW.
regardless of irrelevant past mumble jumble.
what are you gonna do?
push them away by assuming they are JUST like everyone else?
but damn.
you could sure miss out on something amazing.
how many times are you going to make that past 'mistake'?
just once is enough for me.
is being angry and paranoid and building that stone wall around yourself worth losing the chance to be happy?
yea sure there are no promises and no guarantees.
life, unlike photoshop, has no history and no undo.
we can only try and not make the same mistakes again.
isnt that the way to do anything?
learning isnt really additive.
all youre doing is making less mistakes.

im just saying.
i hate that because of mr./mrs. Right Now 4,5,10 years ago, someones going to miss out on mr./mrs. RIGHT.
so... i guess...
dont be blind to whats in front of you.
let history be what it is.
ancient fucking history.
if you live everyday expecting everyone to let you down..youre never going to be happy.
and more importantly youre never going to let ANYONE in.

ok so just to be extra crystal clear...
im not talking directly about anyone specifically.
and im definitely not referring to myself.
so stop the over-analyzing.
its not gonna work.
im a closed book =)
i just wanted to vent about this for a moment i guess.
and also to delay any real work on this damn research project.
that blinking cursor is like a slap in the face.


my depression isnt really being helped by these sad ass songs ive had on repeat on my itunes.
right now this is ringing in my ear non stop..

oh danny boy the pipes the pipes are calling
from glen to glen, and down the mountain side
the summer's gone, and all the roses dying
tis you, tis you must go and i must bide

but come ye back when summer's in the meadow
or when the valleys hushed and white with snow
and ill be here in sunshine or in shadow
oh danny boy oh danny boy i love you so

but if he come, when all the roses are dying
and i am dead, as dead i well may be
he'll come and find the place where i am lying
and kneel and say an 'ave' there for me

and i shall feel, tho soft you tread above me
and then my grave will richer, sweeter be
for you will bend and tell me that you love me
and i shall rest in peace until you come to me...

jeezus that song makes me want to curl up and bawl.
plus it is about someone walking on someone elses grave so...yea..haha.
im not in a very uplifting place right now.

on a brighter less suicidal note...
im finally doll-ing up my apartment and i must admit it's looking miiiighty fine.
i set up my shelves and organized my closet and built some ikea furniture.
i still have to drive my tv down from irvine this weekend and lug that 50 pound thing from my car.
im hoping by break time ill actually be able to have other humans over.
only my parents have seen it and they came over when it was thrashed from finals last term.
damnit i feel like every spare moment i have is spent cleaning this shit.
im one person. how the hell am i this messy?

i type the way i talk.
fast, repetitive, and all over the dame place without ever coming to a conclusion.

fuck i hate art of research.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

playing picture 'ketchup'

i still dont have cs3 on my laptop but im getting picture overload so im editing on my pc.
i fucking hate all mac keyboards. wtF is wrong with them.
i can feel the carpal tunnel creeping up.

so... updates..
oh man.
theres some shit i COULD say.
but i wont.
seeing as how previous experiences has taught me better than to go willy nilly and post incriminating comments on the internet.
nuff of that.

lets just go in order.

monday - anal-ytical.
im not sure what the final project will be.
so far all we've done is muscle studies and a whole lotta them.
i loves me some anatomy.
lemme just say...if you cant draw to begin with..this class will do nothing for you cept waste your mondays.
and if youre not willing to put in your own time outside of class then you wont get shit from it.
my sunday nights are always spent staying up til the crack of dawn fanning through like 6 different anatomy books to get that shit accurate.

some studies from class.

tuesday - art of research.
this class is definitely going to test my last-minute-miracle-project skills.
plus ive missed 3 classes already.
the first one i was out of town.
the second one was when there was a forum at school and she said we could go but then i didnt go back to class afterwards.
the third was last week when i saw a sign on the door that said 'blackwell - art of research - canceled' and took off without realizing it was for MONDAYS class. fuck me.

wednesday - inventive drawing
im having doubts about my grades in westons classes. i heard hes an easy grader but iono...
so far ive only missed one hw assignment so i guess its not terrible.
i am NOT enjoying the 1 minute poses we've been getting in class the last 3 weeks.

heres a little doodle i did in class because i was so fucking sick of what we were doing.
im trying to do one of everyone in class without being all creepy and staring.

wednesday - sketching for entertainment
if there was ever a class to get a C in, its this one. so far i've missed 3 classes.
the first one i was out of town.
the second one i was with my dad and didnt make it back in time.
the third one was last week when i was a suicide risk on my birthday and he let me go home in the beginning of class.
during week 8 and 9 i missed like 4 classes. -_-.
plus i just plain suck at layout.
i have no idea why i took this class.

heres the final sketch for my 'tree-house' assignment.
its a pirate ship/house -_-.
its kinda terrible...

a few weeks ago Bob Singer came to lecture and stopped by Mike Humphries' Style class so we sat in. in the end he did a little doodle of pebbles for me =)

thursday - history of viscomm
o m g this class is like the thorn in my weekday ass.
its just the whole concept of what the class is suppose to be about.
this would be one of the 4 classes i missed last week.
i just cant muster up the strength to drive all the way to school for two hours of sitting in a dark room.
plus its at the end of my week so it gives me even more incentive to stay home and have a 4 day weekend =D.

workshop sketches

doodle of sarah from adv. sketching

heres some type stuff from last term i never put up.

brush techniques. 'dracula'

final logo design concept. 'jerrys famous deli'
omg the matzo ball soup is fucking amazing.
i would drive all the way to studio city for that shit.

i was flipping through my old sketchbooks and found these two that i liked.
both from 1st term, a year ago!

on sunday i was at my parents for my birthday and was doing copies out of my lion king book.
i did a few hyenas and then i did this copy of this great drawing by mike surrey.
it was such a good scene in the movie.
fuck timon is hard to draw to make him look right. -_-
i bow down.

k thats it.
not very exciting.
ive been in a funk lately.
or at least in and out of it.
fucking rollercoaster.
i NEVER feel on TOP of things.
i feel weak and vulnerable.
like i'll be fine one second and then losing my freaking mind the next.

some people think they CANT hurt me or some shit.
like im this big fucking hollow rock chiseled out of sarcasm and spite.
like i chase my whiskey down with rusty nails.
fuck get real.
i have emotions.
maybe i dont let you in on them but that doesnt mean they're not there.

im still a girl you assholes.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

bday blues

its been a while.
i havent had the chance to update on accounta i got a new laptop but no cs3 yet so havent been able to edit any pictures of recent work.
loads to tell and bitch about.
but its been a long mother of a day.
its not good to wanna die on your birthday.
i would say that the first 21 hours of today blew to new levels of lame-ness.
i had a ruff day on tuesday that i wont get into now.
i apologize to anyone who felt that ice cold shudder from my demeanor today.
it wasnt so much that i was 'sad'. i was just quiet.
i guess for me thats pretty much the same thing.
if nicole is quiet she must have some shit eating her up on the inside.
bleh bleh bleh.
i got over it in the last 3 hrs of the day and managed to have a decent birthday.
i got a few of the best presents anyone has ever given me.
that helped =).
and a nice text message from an old friend always makes ur day a little nicer.

aaron [spurg] asked me wtf i was doing at school on my birthday.
heh. ill be asking you the same shit the day your baby is scheduled for birthing.
'spurg wtf why aint you at the hospital?'
'sonly 3 centimeters dilated. i got time.'
cmoooon you of all people know we 'art centerians' have no decent lives outside those automatic sliding doors.
kudos on the baby news though!
you got cherself a production baby!
spurg, bless his heart.
hes the only person in existance [including myself] that actually reads my blogs.
sorry i missed your portfolio today.
i tore out of sketching early to revamp my head.
next time!

so all in all.. aside from the 8 hours of pure torture i put myself through attempting to act 'normal' in class today [ thank you Will for letting me out early ]....id still say it was a win for me this year.
last years birthday had the shadow of scholarship week upon it and the iconic image of me slaving away another all nighter to finish some crack pot assignment for a douche cock professor.
this years no different cept im caring a whole mess less.
few might ponder how thats even possible.
i havent even begun to not care.

but thank you to those that remembered today for me.
im sorry i was unpleasant but i am truly grateful for those few seconds you spent on my best wishes. thank you for proving that without facebook i might have even forgotten today. my artsy school chums are the best. thank you guys =))))

and now its nearing 4 am and im about to wind up my new beauty and the beast musical snowglobe, change into my new oswald tshirt, and break in my new mickey mouse blanket

clearly i am the EASIEST person to shop for. ever.

i am one year older and another year closer to lying about my age.