Tuesday, July 22, 2008

girl scars.

[ this ones gonna be long and text heavy and also have nothing whatsoever to do with art ]

im so good at wasting time it's ridiculous.
i would so take home the gold in the procrastination event this year in beijing.
i mean, everyone does it right?
but that shit might as well be on my resume.

"uh yea i double majored in procrastination and bullshitin"

its like 4 am and ive been stuck on my research project for like the last 3 hours.
i had a nice chat with alex (c.) today during lunch.
we conversed on the usual topics like classes and other students.

we also talked about his (insanely short) list of girl history.
and it only confirmed what ive always known to be true.
a bad experience early on will ruin a good man.
one bad relationship with a girl whos fucked in the head has the potential to permanently scar a man for the rest of his social life.
god damnit..
dont i know this all too well?
without being a cyber blabbermouth..basically he got out of a bad relationship with a mean, controlling, dramatic and sadly, TYPICAL, girl..
now he tells me hed rather stay single and that relationships are a hassle he doesnt need.
and this is coming from a guy whos voice has never raised above room level and doesn't have a single frown muscle in his face.
i cant imagine how someone that positive can have such a hidden negativity in their lives.
i guess i can.
all it takes is one whore bag to ruin a good man.
put into the equation someone who believes in love and commitment and throw in the slut variable and youve got grounds for serious lifetime tragedy.

im familiar with this scenario and all i can say is 'im' not 'her'
not all women are the same.
dont project that kind of insecure negativity blindly.
i get it.
you've got trust issues.
well FUCK who doesnt?
you cant meet a decent person today who hasnt been mind fucked in the past.
but what im so worried about is the X in the equation.
the NEW person.
the one who has no idea of this dark spot in your history.
the one who likes you for who you are NOW.
regardless of irrelevant past mumble jumble.
what are you gonna do?
push them away by assuming they are JUST like everyone else?
but damn.
you could sure miss out on something amazing.
how many times are you going to make that past 'mistake'?
just once is enough for me.
is being angry and paranoid and building that stone wall around yourself worth losing the chance to be happy?
yea sure there are no promises and no guarantees.
life, unlike photoshop, has no history and no undo.
we can only try and not make the same mistakes again.
isnt that the way to do anything?
learning isnt really additive.
all youre doing is making less mistakes.

im just saying.
i hate that because of mr./mrs. Right Now 4,5,10 years ago, someones going to miss out on mr./mrs. RIGHT.
so... i guess...
dont be blind to whats in front of you.
let history be what it is.
ancient fucking history.
if you live everyday expecting everyone to let you down..youre never going to be happy.
and more importantly youre never going to let ANYONE in.

ok so just to be extra crystal clear...
im not talking directly about anyone specifically.
and im definitely not referring to myself.
so stop the over-analyzing.
its not gonna work.
im a closed book =)
i just wanted to vent about this for a moment i guess.
and also to delay any real work on this damn research project.
that blinking cursor is like a slap in the face.


my depression isnt really being helped by these sad ass songs ive had on repeat on my itunes.
right now this is ringing in my ear non stop..

oh danny boy the pipes the pipes are calling
from glen to glen, and down the mountain side
the summer's gone, and all the roses dying
tis you, tis you must go and i must bide

but come ye back when summer's in the meadow
or when the valleys hushed and white with snow
and ill be here in sunshine or in shadow
oh danny boy oh danny boy i love you so

but if he come, when all the roses are dying
and i am dead, as dead i well may be
he'll come and find the place where i am lying
and kneel and say an 'ave' there for me

and i shall feel, tho soft you tread above me
and then my grave will richer, sweeter be
for you will bend and tell me that you love me
and i shall rest in peace until you come to me...

jeezus that song makes me want to curl up and bawl.
plus it is about someone walking on someone elses grave so...yea..haha.
im not in a very uplifting place right now.

on a brighter less suicidal note...
im finally doll-ing up my apartment and i must admit it's looking miiiighty fine.
i set up my shelves and organized my closet and built some ikea furniture.
i still have to drive my tv down from irvine this weekend and lug that 50 pound thing from my car.
im hoping by break time ill actually be able to have other humans over.
only my parents have seen it and they came over when it was thrashed from finals last term.
damnit i feel like every spare moment i have is spent cleaning this shit.
im one person. how the hell am i this messy?

i type the way i talk.
fast, repetitive, and all over the dame place without ever coming to a conclusion.

fuck i hate art of research.

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